Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Why The World Will Not End In 2012

OK I know I know that the Mayan calendar said it all stopped in 2012, and that Nostradamus (sort of) agrees with that but they are wrong and here is why.

Both were working with a limited planetary movement model that stopped at the precise moment when the rising sun would intersect the exact midpoint of the MilkyWay galaxy, the exact mid point of our galaxy.

Heres what this B.I.T.C.H. predicts for the future:

2008: Tim LaHaye of the "Your-Unbelieving-Ass-Just-Got-LEFT-BEHIND' fame starts a new series called: The Time of the End of Time. The christian community goes ape and LaHaye makes 7 trillion dollars. He and Beverly then buy John Edwards' house and turn it into a home for unwed mothers.

2009: Gary North, Karen & Steve Anderson & Bruce Tippery start their new websites on 'The End of Time for Women'. This will teach women how to protect their families when the world as we know it ends. Hopefully there will be some sort of instruction on how to deal with being dead or incenerated or radiated or whatever is going to happen to us. Gary North builds a rocket and tries to get to another solar system. North kidnaps Steven Hawking thinking that he has the star map to a safe galaxy.

2010: Only two years left. A new incarnation of the last Mayan High Priest is recognized (my vote is for Steven Seagal, shit that could be believable!) Animal sacrifice is reinstituted at MachuPichu in Mexico to appease the sky god. PETA goes into apoplexy, rescues the remaining animals and Steven Seagal calls down the wrath of the sky god on mankind. (stock market up 30% in one day). The christian right is having a fit since the temple has not been restored in Israel and the animal sacrifices restored 'there'. Tim LaHaye leads an End Times Team into Israel to take over the temple mount and as a result of his actions is sentenced to wear a burkha and be chained to a large sow for the rest of his life.

2011: Y2K here we come only now its Y2K12. There is mass panic in the markets as people quit their jobs, drop out of school and hide in the mountains and caves. Sattelite broadband companies and radio make a fortune. Stocks drop like falling rock on a California hillside and are scooped up by a few people (mostly athiest or not really christians **).

2012: Well the world did not end. The losers that quit their jobs and ran for it look like fools (North, Andersons and Tippery???) again (see Y2K), the traders and investors that bought all of the stocks dirt cheap now control 90% of the wealth in the USA and the evangelical right looks like the village idiot AGAIN!!!! The internet, sattelite radio and broadband are controlled by one global investment company headed by a woman. . the NYSE, NASDAQ, Chicago Merc and all of the Foreign Stock Exchanges are controlled by the daughter of the owner of all the internet and communication stuff.

Looks like the girls win after all. Now THAT folks is a happy ending.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Nostradamus Comes of Age (sort of)

Tonight the History Channel will pay hommage to Nostradamus...purveyor of ancient (well old anyway) prophecy for the times of today. Since the show is about the 'end of the world' I was just wondering (beforehand) if Tim LaHaye (of the Left Behind series fame) or Hal Lindsey (Late Great Planet Earth fame) were going to be there to lend their two cents worth of ...I don't know what to call it...OPINION maybe?

Hal Lindsey scared scads of people (ok me included) in the early 70's with his version of the truth..LaHaye and his literary minions are scaring (ok me NOT included this time...see I learned my lesson) scads more this time with his brand of "what-will-your-ass-do-when-all-the-christians-have-been-raptured-and-your-scraggy-non-believing-ass-is-left-on-earth-with-all-the-anti-christ-minions-and-666-mark-on-the-forehead-neighbors....

Sounds like some so called faithful minions based shit to me

Let's generate FEAR...which in turn will generate (oh I cannot believe that I missed this for years and years about my fellow (hack, spit, cough) fellow believers...) MONEY.

But less I digress....this B.I.T.C.H. does not open her wallet when she is having fear. Too bad my so called brothers and sisters are not as savvy.

More tomorrow on Nostradamus and what will my ass do when the world ends? So its like I will be in a position to care?

Friday, October 26, 2007

I Must Be Clueless...

Just a thought here.....

but for all of the continuing theological discussion taking place in presbyterian circles regarding federal vision, covenant membership..blah..blah and more blah...

I feel really stupid still being stuck at:

do justice
love mercy
walk humbly with my God
love my neighbor as myself...

hoping like crazy my salvation does not hang on my ability to discuss the 'finer points' (note sarcasm) of the cons & pros of the fv....

to read the discussions is to really wonder if there is such a thing as 'just a christian'....

by the theological definitions of today....probably not....belief and faith in God do not seem to be of any importance.....these days it's all about being able to discuss....

is the church weird or is it just me?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

I Promised To Go To War On The Election but....

...what really is there to go to war on? Is there any reason at all why any of the candidates need to be elected? Is there really any reason at all why we should even re-elect the dysfunctional insanity-possessed (meaing BOTH repukelicans and dementedocrats) partisan minions?

...presidential election...NOT!!!!!

Weighing in.....

Barak Obama...first you need to be ashamed of yourself for putting politics into the pulpit. NO you can not come to my church and campaign...we worship on Sunday...Jesus...rmember HIM?

Rudy...Rudy..Rudy...loose the cellphone and put the trophy wife in a cabinet....(and not as secretary of something or another either ;)

Hillary...Penn just came out with a poll that said 24% of republican women may cross over to vote for Hillary...he sees it as a woman thing...I see it as women being tired of the men. How could a woman (even Hillary) FUBAR it up any more than the men that are there already have???? While this B.I.T.C.H. is not a socialized medicine fan AT ALL...she knows that the current system is broken beyond belief and wishes relief as much as the next person. (BTW did ya'll know that hospitals and doctors charge MORE if you have health insurance? They bill the health insurance companies about 20-30% more than a doctor visit costs and hospitals bill insurance companies DOUBLE what a patient with no health care costs!!!) So yeah I would say that shit needs to be fixed real quick.

The religious right does not seem to have a candidate this year. Thats a good thing...because I will not vote for anyone...repukelican or dementedocrat that anyones religious right puts their stamp of dominion (er..a...approval) on.

next: the perfect political platform


...LAX (LAngeles) 75% fake bombs missed by our wonderful TSA?

...ORD (O'Hare) 60% fake bombs missed by the above?

..SFO (SanFrancisco) did really well...only 20% of the fake bombs were missed...

Amazing....when the majority of us are worried about a cavity search...the real threats go unnoticed.

Your tax dollars at work.....again